A significant part of the tension that exists between parents and children stems from the parents' feeling that the child represents them, and serves as their “calling card” in the community. In our parasha we find that this idea has a basis in Jewish law as well as implications in halakha. The Torah rules that when the daughter of a kohen engages in forbidden sexual relations, the punishment she receives – sereifa (burning) – is more severe than that of an ordinary Jewish woman, explaining that through her actions "she has profaned her father" (Leviticus 21:9). The disgrace imposed on the father by his daughter's actions is more significant because of his standing in society, and she is punished based on the degree of disgrace that she brought on her father's house. At the same time, a "betrothed girl," – a woman who has accepted kiddushin and is formally married – who commits adultery, is stoned at "the entrance to her father's house" (Deuteronomy 22:21). The Gemara explains that the location of stoning at the entrance to her parents' home is a clear statement, “See the offspring that you have raised!” (Ketubot 45a). According to some, the case of the kohen’s daughter who commits adultery affects the father’s status, as well. “Rabbi Meir would say: Why must the verse state: “She profanes her father”? To teach that if initially they would treat her father in a sacred manner, now they treat him in a profane manner. If previously they would treat him with honor, they now treat him with degradation. They say: Cursed is the one who bore this daughter, cursed is the one who raised this daughter, cursed is the one from whose loins this daughter emerged (Sanhedrin 52a).
Associating the actions of children with their parents is not limited to Jewish law; it finds expression in popular language, as well. The many metaphors that compare a person to a plant whose source of vitality stems from being rooted in a garden, is an expression of the feeling that the children are a reflection of their parents and that their behavior is the result of the education they received at home. We are not surprised to discover that a child reflects his or her parents’ characteristics, as we find in the midrash, "according to the garden, the gardener" (Bereshit Rabba, Vayishlach, 80). The Gemara states that it is reasonable to assume that "what a child says in the market is what he heard at home from his father or from his mother" (Sukkah 56b). The Gemara does not attribute this teaching to a Torah source, rather it presents it "as people say" (ki-diAmrei Inshi). This is the prevailing view. People believe that a child’s behavior faithfully reflects the ways in which his parents behave. There is room to discuss whether the child’s behavior should be viewed as the parents’ fault or if they are truly responsible for the actions of their children, but the question that ultimately troubles many parents is the true relationship between their children's actions and their own. Should parents be obligated to apologize for their children’s behavior in response to the critical gaze of strangers looking in at their family?
Perhaps we can get some insight into this matter from a ruling of the Rema in the matter of the Priestly Blessing. The Rema brings the opinion of the Mordekhai that if the daughter of a kohen converted or commits a sexual crime, the father loses his priestly status based on the fact that "she has profaned her father" (Orah Hayyim 128:41). Perhaps we can infer from his ruling that identifying the focal point of the problem as the education from the home is related to the severity of the act. In extreme cases of deviation we can deduce that there must have been serious problems at home. But this is not a broad and unequivocal principle. In general, there are many differences between parents and their children. It is not unusual to find that the worldview of the parents does not pass to their children in a direct manner.
The parent as translator
The occasional sense of frustration and shame associated with raising healthy, thinking children can be understood by comparing parents' status to that of translators. Parents stand as the gatekeepers between their children and the outside world. It is the parents’ responsibility to introduce their children to the norms and language of society, its knowledge and cultural wealth; they must educate them to be civilized, moral and virtuous. They are obligated to help their children reconcile their evolving personalities with the demands of the outside world. Oftentimes when the parents identify what appears to be aberrant behavior on the part of their child (for example, if their child sleeps until noon) they try to rationalize it by translating it into norms accepted by society (my child stays up late counseling other kids). Unfortunately, sometimes they fail to realize that this behavior is actually an attempt at self-expression. Parents never complete the job of bridging the gap between the person to whom they gave birth and the outside world. Their job is to “connect the author with the reader” while simultaneously connecting “the reader with the author,” and they often fear that they have not fully succeeded in this. What they do not realize is that the choices that their children make and the direction they choose, are compromises that their children have made between their mother tongue and the language of the street. The more authentic and independent the children’s choices, the more honest an expression it is of the spiritual wealth they absorbed at home, and translated into the new context in which they are growing up. The differences and independence expressed in the children’s generation will redefine the meaning of the messages that they received from their parents. In the end, the developing child is a new phenomenon that is not a copy or a replica, but a new book in the annals of human history.
Issues of respect for parents are discussed at length in Gemara Kiddushin (29a-32a), where it becomes clear that the relationship between parents and their children requires ongoing attempts at mutual understanding. Dama ben Netina has the opportunity to transact a million-dollar business deal, but refrains from doing so in order not to wake his father under who’s pillow lies the key to the vault. He does not want to bother his father – even though I do not know many parents who would have been upset to have been woken in that case. In order to get out of bed, Rabbi Tarfon's mother needs to climb the back of her son, the important rabbi who heads the yeshiva – even though most other mothers of prominent rabbis would have figured out other ways to manage. In the end, relationships between parents and children require understanding and communication, listening and inclusion. Just as the key to the character of respect that the son must adopt is sometimes hidden under his father's pillow, the key to the complex relationship between parents and children lies in the encounter, in active listening and in providing enough space for a life of self-realization.
