We noted the association drawn by Chazal between two tension-ridden conversations recorded in Sefer Bereishit. In Parashat Vayetze (30:2), Yaakov responds angrily to Rachel’s demand, “Give me children,” and he retorts, “Am I in the place of God, who has denied you fruit in the womb?” As the Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 71) notes, this response is reminiscent of Yosef’s comments to his brothers when they beg him to forgive their crimes against him: “Am I in God’s place?” (“Ha-tachat Elokim ani” – 50:19). Yosef assures his brothers that he would deal with them kindly, for he cannot assume the role of God and punish them for their wrongdoing. The Midrash comments, “The Almighty said to him [Yaakov]: Is this the way one responds to women in distress? By your life, your children will in the future stand before her son, and he will say, ‘Am I in God’s place?’” Chazal here point to Yosef’s comforting words to his brothers as a response of sorts to Yaakov’s harsh words to Rachel.
In both instances, anxiety drove one of the parties to extreme or irrational behavior. Rachel, unable to cope with her feelings of shame and jealousy, insensibly cast the blame onto Yaakov, demanding that he somehow find a solution to her infertility. In the case of Yosef, the brothers, who lived in Egypt under Yosef’s rule and relied upon his largesse, feared that after their father’s passing Yosef would use his position of power to exact revenge. Plagued by feelings of guilt and fear, they concocted an unlikely story that Yaakov had conveyed to them his instructions to Yosef to forgive them.
By associating these two episodes, Chazal seek to draw our attention to the distinction between the responses of Yaakov and Yosef. Yosef reacted with sympathy and understanding. He did not challenge his brothers or criticize them for concocting a story about Yaakov’s instructions. Yosef understood that they were driven to this measure by difficult emotions, and he empathized and gave them reassurance. Yaakov, by contrast, responded with anger. He was undoubtedly correct when he responded, “Am in the place of God, who has denied you fruit in the womb?” But in this response he addresses the words Rachel spoke, not the emotions they expressed. Rachel was not actually blaming Yaakov for her problem, or demanding that he resolve it. Her irrational remark was the result of overwhelming feelings of pain and anguish. Chazal therefore criticize Yaakov, asking, “Is this the way one responds to women in distress?” He should not have taken Rachel’s demand so literally. He should have responded with patience and understanding.
The contrast to Yaakov’s response to Rachel is Yosef’s response to his brothers. Yosef ignored their fabrication of Yaakov’s instructions, and went straight to the heart of the matter. He reacted not to their words, but rather to what drove them to speak those words – their feelings of guilt and fear. And he assuaged those difficult emotions by assuring them that he harbors no feelings of resentment for the crimes they committed.
Many relationships are strained or broken because of words spoken in times of tension and anxiety. The Midrash teaches us to exercise patience, sensitivity and understanding when reacting to irrational and even hurtful words spoken under such circumstances. We must be able to forgive and forget harsh words spoken in moments of distress, out of empathy and sensitivity for the difficult emotions from which they emerged.