If the family had so emphatically approved of the match, why did they later want Rivka to remain with them?
Parashat Chayei-Sara tells of Avraham’s servant’s experiences as he set out to find a suitable bride for Yitzchak. The servant invokes God’s assistance, asking that the girl destined to marry Yitzchak appear at the well outside the city and offer to provide water for both the servant and his camels. Sure enough, Rivka, the daughter of Yitzchak’s cousin, Betuel, appears at the well, and when the servant asks for water, she draws even for his camels. When the servant tells of his experiences to Rivka’s family, they enthusiastically acknowledge God’s hand in arranging the match, and agree to allow Rivka to marry Yitzchak: “The matter has resulted from the Lord; we can speak to you neither good nor evil. Here is Rivka before you – take [her] and go forth” (24:50-51).
Surprisingly, however, their enthusiasm rapidly wanes and gives way to ambivalence. The very next morning, the servant expresses his wish to return to Avraham with the bride, but the family asks that he delay his trip and remain with them for some time (24:55). The servant insists that he return immediately, noting that God’s assistance has accompanied him to this point and he did not wish to risk losing it. The family asks Rivka for her opinion, and she decides to leave that day with the servant.
The question naturally arises as to the reason for the sudden change of heart. If the family had so emphatically approved of the match, why did they then want Rivka to remain with them?
Chizkuni offers a halakhic explanation of the family’s conduct, noting the ruling of the Mishna at the beginning of Masekhet Ketubot. The Mishna there establishes that after a woman is betrothed for the first time (as opposed to a widow or divorcee), she is given twelve months to prepare herself for her wedding. On this basis, Chizkuni suggests that the family had misunderstood the servant’s precise role in this process. They had initially thought that the servant was merely bringing the bride to Canaan, where Yitzchak would betroth her and then marry her twelve months later. However, they saw that the servant actually betrothed Rivka, acting as Yitzhak’s agent. Hence, they felt she was to be given another twelve months before leaving to marry her groom. (The Radak explains similarly.)
However, even if we accept the premise that the ruling of the Mishna in Ketubot was binding in ancient times, this explanation seems difficult in light of the fact that Avraham’s servant insisted that Rivka be brought to Canaan immediately. If she was to be given twelve months to prepare, the servant should have, presumably, granted the family’s wishes without insisting on bringing her without delay.
The Alshich explains differently, finding the answer in the Torah’s description of the gifts granted by the servant after receiving the family’s approval. The Torah relates that the servant showered Rivka with gifts of gold and silver, whereas he gave “migdanot” – generally interpreted to mean fruit – to the family (24:53). The Alshich asserts that Rivka’s family gave their emphatic approval because they anticipated considerable financial benefits in exchange for Rivka’s hand in marriage. Once they saw that Avraham’s wealth would be shared with Rivka, but not with them, they lost interest in the match and attempted to delay the servant.
The Alshich’s approach conveys an important lesson about sincerity. Rivka’s family spoke very “religiously” in response to the servant – “The matter has resulted from the Lord.” They responded in lofty, spiritual terms and spoke of how the match was ordained in the heavens and was thus beyond their control. In truth, however, their approval had nothing at all to do with God and His predetermination of marriages. Rather, it had to do with an age-old human vice – greed.
It is easy to speak the language of religion, to sound spiritual and idealistic, but often such speech serves to conceal vested self-serving interests. We must carefully examine ourselves to determine that our hearts and mouths are in sync, and that we not only sound religiously committed, but feel and act with genuine religious commitment.