Words spoken without careful thought and consideration, and without sensitivity and respect, will fall on deaf ears.
The Torah in Parashat Miketz describes the tension that built in Yaakov’s home when his sons returned from Egypt without Shimon and informed him of the vizier’s demand that they bring the youngest son, Binyamin. Yaakov refused to allow Binyamin to go, and Reuven and Yehuda both made attempts to persuade him. Reuven said, “You may kill my two sons if I don’t bring him to you” (42:37). This irrational plea, unsurprisingly, did not convince Yaakov, who, according to the Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 91:9), retorted, “You firstborn fool! Are they only your sons, and not mine?” Later, when the family found itself without food, Yehuda said to his father, “I will guarantee him; you can demand him from me. If I don’t bring him to you and present him to you, I will have sinned against you forever.” Upon hearing Yehuda’s guarantee, Yaakov – albeit reluctantly – acceded to their demand and allowed Binyamin to join them in Egypt.
The Midrash (ibid.) makes the following remarkable comment concerning this episode: “When a person would say something reasonable [‘davar metukan’] before Rabbi Tarfon, he would say, ‘Kaftor va-ferach!’ And when somebody would say something insensible [‘davar shel batala’], he would say, ‘My son shall not go with you along the journey that you are traveling.” Rabbi Tarfon would respond to an insensible remark by citing Yaakov’s response to Reuven – “My son shall not go with you” – comparing the speaker’s foolish statement to Reuven’s bizarre offer of his children’s lives as a guarantee for Binyamin’s safe return to Canaan.
What is the Midrash’s intent in relating this practice of Rabbi Tarfon? Why is it important that he reacted to irrational comments in this manner?
Rav Yaakov Flexer, in his Or Torah, explains that both Reuven and Yehuda were sincere and determined in their efforts to persuade Yaakov. Reuven’s effort failed, however, because his plea was crude, unrefined, and, as the aforementioned Midrash indicates, insulting to Yaakov. Reuven, who would later be criticized by Yaakov for his impulsivity (“pachaz ka-mayim” – Bereishit 49:4), spoke rashly, graphically exclaiming, “I’ll even kill my own kids if I don’t bring back yours,” and his comments came across as offensive and uncouth. Yehuda, by contrast, spoke passionately but elegantly. Rather than offend Yaakov, he expressed unbridled respect and commitment – “I will have sinned against you forever.” Yehuda spoke with dignity and good taste, and this, apparently, made the difference in obtaining Yaakov’s consent to send Binyamin.
When Rabbi Tarfon heard a “davar metukan,” words spoken elegantly and in good taste, he proclaimed, “Kaftor va-ferach.” This term is taken from the Torah’s description of the menorah in the Mishkan (Shemot 25:33), and refers to the decorations that adorned the menorah. When a person speaks about Torah in an elegant, refined manner, he “adorns” the Torah, bringing it honor and making it attractive and appealing. But when a person representing the Torah speaks in an unrefined, distasteful manner, his words will be as effective as Reuven’s plea, “You may kill by two sons.” Words spoken without careful thought and consideration, and without sensitivity and respect, will fall on deaf ears, and will certainly fail to achieve the desired result of “kaftor va-ferach” which we must all be striving to achieve.