Toward the end of Parashat Vayetze we read of the formal truce made between Lavan and Yaakov, which was accompanied by the construction of a symbolic “gal avanim” – pile of stones – to serve as a physical demonstration of the pact. The Torah tells that Yaakov instructed “echav” – literally, “his brethren” – to gather stones for the purpose of erecting this gal (31:46). Rashi, citing the Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 74:13), explains “echav” in this context as referring to Yaakov’s sons, and it was they whom he instructed to collected stones.
This explanation gives rise to the obvious question of why the Torah did not use the normal term for sons – “banav.” According to Rashi, why did the Torah here refer to Yaakov’s sons as “his brethren”?
The Netziv, in his Ha’amek Davar, suggests an especially creative and insightful answer:
Yaakov’s character trait was getting along peacefully and calmly with people. Even though Lavan subjected him to considerable harassment…Yaakov nevertheless paid no heed and sought instead to pursue peace, and offered food to draw his heart close. And he also wanted to accustom his children to this wonderful trait, and he therefore instructed them to gather stones for this purpose. If he would have said, “My sons, gather stones,” it would not have struck their hearts as an ethical admonition, and they would have instead thought that they are abiding by their father’s command. He therefore called, “My brothers, gather stones,” to convey the rightness of this character trait even without the father’s instruction…
According to the Netziv, Yaakov wanted his children to gather stones not as a favor, to help him, but rather as a means of conveying a moral lesson about the importance of making peace with one’s adversaries. He wanted them to participate in this event so they could see how he pursued a peaceful resolution with Lavan despite the harassment he endured at Lavan’s hands. He therefore conveyed this instruction in a “friendly” manner, as opposed to an authoritarian one. Yaakov called to his sons here not as a father, but as a “brother,” as an equal, in order to ensure that the lesson would not be lost in the instinctive drive to obey a parent’s instruction.
The Netziv’s insight teaches that while it is important to establish parental authority, sometimes important life lessons are lost in the process of asserting that authority. On some occasions it is preferable to relate to one’s children as “echav,” as equals, inviting them to participate in important and formative projects, as opposed to instructing them to do so. By taking parental authority of the picture, we can give our children the opportunity to learn and grow, instead of simply obeying. And thus we need to carefully balance the aspect of “banav” with that of “echav,” and know when to assert authority and when to relate to our children as “brethren.”